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(no subject) [Aug. 10th, 2006|04:24 pm]
matt
So yea... really long time since an update so you best prepare yo selves for extreme update of DOOM!!! well things have been cool, been hanging out getting out of my house and having fun. im also no longer a member of the educated unemployed! yep thats right ive got a gig doing lighting design at the alhambrah and im going to be running the light board for the show as well. I may also be working in their shop building stuff but that wont happen till november. so 325 for the design and 250 a week for light board, all and all things are kinda cool. i still need to sign up for my fall classes tho...
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(no subject) [Jun. 9th, 2006|03:37 am]
matt
havent updated in a while but i think i shall now.... so school has been going well, basically there every day till 7 mon thru thurseday for the next 2 months and then im done, and thats a little scary but its all good. ive started hanging out over jessie and anns house more and its always a lot of fun and im getting to hang out with lots of cool new people. speaking of which i went out to the pearl and actually had a really good time, mostly due to some really awesome company(someone actually got me to dance with them for an extended period of time). im kinda happy at the moment. things seems to be going pretty well. tomorow night should be great, cant wait.
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(no subject) [May. 26th, 2006|02:40 am]
matt
anyone still read this thing?.. ive got nothing to do tomorow, if anyone for anyreason would like to hang out that would be rad. call me, anytime after 10 in the morn would be great... peace out.
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(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2006|01:14 am]
matt
dads been havin a lot of tests done... the doctors think that he may have liver cancer, beucase of some of the results and the fact that its quite comon when you liver is dieing. at the moment he is surviving on less that 20% of a liver the rest is dead, if he were a larger guy that would not be enough for him to stay alive but being as he is quite skinny hes still hangin in there... im sorry if i offended anyone by my last post... its just crazy... and knowing that im going to be the one to have to make all of the arrangements and look after my mother and my little brother and im just trying to be strong enough to do it... one of my brothers is quite heavy into pills at the moment and the other lives in england... i know i wont even be able to let any feeling show until after everything is taken care of, becuase thats the way my dad has always told me it had to be, i would have to be strong for my mom and shawn becuase they would need someone to lean on...
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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2006|01:20 am]
matt
sooo... i havent updated and in a while... lots of stuff as of late... im trying i really am trying to make myself better, ive gone on cursing at myself for so long and hating myself for as long as i can remember and i dont know how to stop doing something that ive infused so deeply into my personallity for so long. but ive stoped attacking myself with every insult i can muster when i make mistakes of fall short, instead im trying to look at them and try and learn from them. i think im getting better about it but not hating myself isnt much closer to liking myself, but ill never get anywhere if i contiually despise what i see in the mirror to casual indifference as opposed to burning hate is a step. i am also trying to stop things from festering and rotting away inside of me which has been a pretty painful expericence... but im working at it. i dont feel any better now than i always have... its just different... instead of making me the source of all of my contention i have been taking the attitude of things happen and they are no ones fault, so i just deal and move on becuase there is nothing else i can do. this would be a very nice philosophy to go along with a belief in a higher power but i find that the thought of that only doubles the anger i put on myself and sends it to this god charecter ive built up in my head. i cant beilive in god because if i did i would never be able to muster the profanities to confront him/her with.. it also seems a bit futile to only ecknowledge a being for the sole purpose of hating them, its really doenst make sence.
in some regards i think im starting to feel better but in many others me trying to look objectivly and rationalize things has made things hurt quite a bit more. to say the reason you feel that you are going to die alone is that you are hideous and a bad person and blah blah is easy... the imaturaty of it takes away any validity that it could have. but to sit down and realize that the bulk of my close friends are now in relationships and are about to leave town, and that im extremly expendable in the long run... im here and people have other outlets that make them much happier than me, people are moving on, going to school and slowly as the time passes the distence will grow and ill fade away to the status of that friend i had in highschool/ college... nothing more than a vauge memory, mabie a fond memory but a memory non the less. i dont blame anyone and i dont even think its something that can be controled, its just the natural truth and progression of things. and while im here ill have work or school but the prospect of finding a relationship of any kind, its just not meant to be. im not a particulary un attrachive guy, im not unitellegent and i can be funny when im in the mood. i am however harmless, i will forever be just a friend or like a brother to anyone that i get close to becuase thats what i am good for... i have no talent for relationships beyond that, people feel comfortable sharing things with me that they have never told anyone, and i sincerely try and be as nice to other people as i can. im a safe person, a nice person and while i may be good to have around as a friend, i am and never will be nothing more... people need only give their emotions to me, as far as a reciprical trade that is not in the cards. ive made the mistake of ignoring all of these things that i knew to be true and it has cause me a great deal of pain, but as with the people leaving, in the end what i feel makes no difference becuase no matter what i feel doesnt change what happens. the only thing im left with is how i deal with it, and i am dealing with it, becuase there is nothing else i can do. my father may not make it through the end of the year, i will be alone, and there is nothing i can do so im trying to look forward and realize that i have no control of the events that happen around me, only control of how i deal with them... and thats where im starting...
i just hurt... im tired of hurting but theres nothing i can do because trying to handle things in a more healthy way doesnt make things less painful, but it does make them managable to deal with without stuffing them inside.
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(no subject) [Feb. 27th, 2006|10:29 pm]
matt
the laptop is going back tomorow... im done being overly dramatic about it, these things happen, and its cool. ill get a laptop later, i dont really need one until i move out, it was just a nicity. ill miss it... its a nice comp... but the money will be better spent on the nova, getting my tat finished and getting another started, and loads of hardcore pornagraphy... weehoo. i probably wont get the money for another 3 weeks tho... =/
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(no subject) [Feb. 25th, 2006|11:38 am]
matt
havent updated in a good amount of time. things are wildly different yet all the same at the same time... got a lap top, may have to return it due to fccj messing up my monitary situation but such is life. ive decided that im going to spend the year here in jax and go off to college after ive finished all of the AA classes that i can. most notably i will be taking a year worth of a foriegn language, years worth of physics, whatever math classes i can take. there will be some humanities and stuff mixed in but thatll be all good. ive been really lethargic about everything aside from going to shop for the last while and that is not good at all... i need to start taking vitamins or something... im just always out of it. i had to drop a class that started at 8 becuase i could never wake up... i dont know if its a matter of will power of just plain laziness, either way im replacing it with an american history class that starts the sixth, and it started at 830... im determined not to be a fuck up... i have to either get over being lazy or find out whats wrong with me. part of me is relieved that i decided to stay in town and the other part is furious, i dont know about my dad... hes been at top shape for the last week and a half... one minute you think he has months at the most and the other it seems like there is nothing wrong. either way i need to be here. he offered me a wierd proposition tho... he asked me how much i would want for the nova, i said that considering the money ive put into it, i would do 2000 for a family member but id like 2400(dont say it, i know your thinking im fucking nuts but ive put a lot of money into that car, just none of it has been cosmetic), and he said that he was gonna try and buy it from me as a graduation prestent for me and my little brother, as well as a car that he "could possibly drive if someone had to go to the store" a masterful example of point blank bullshitery but oh well im used to it by now. things arent too bad... i dunno when i think about it things are actually kinda shitty, but i dont feel that way... the whole subject of relationships is becoming numb to me, it doesnt matter... ive got more pressing matters at hand and its pointless to worry about something you have no control over. so i supose that i dont really feel good at all.. and my brain tells me things are shitty so i guess numb is a better term. is life about enjoying what you do or is it about human interaction... it seems that everyone is so commited to what they are working at but is that really the right choice of priority? so if im still alone and 30 but im really enjoying what im doing is that ok? i used to say that was fine but i dont really know that its fine at all... actually it seems rather pathetic.... i dont know... arg... numb, thats the word... or would it just be easier to be numb inside, there is a certain appeal to not feeling at all sometimes, but i always feel... i just choose not to acknowledge it. healthy right?
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NotWorkingSucks,ItMakesMeThink.ImTryingNotToHateMyself,IHaveNothingToOfferButFriendship,ImDepressed [Jan. 31st, 2006|11:35 pm]
matt
Wake up, The house is on fire
And the cat's caught in the dryer
Philosophy's a liar when
Your home is your headstone
"Icon" is the last chance for hope
When there's no such thing as heroes
Your faith lies in the ditch that
You dug yourself in

Last chance to piss it all away
Nothing but hell to pay
When the lights are going down

Deadbeat Holiday - celebrate your own decay
There's a vacant sign that's hanging high
On a noose over your home

Deadbeat Holiday - get on your knees and pray
There's a vacant sign that's hanging high
But at least you're not alone
Christmas lights in the middle of August
Grudges come back to haunt us
Your oldest allies are your long lost enemies
Grounded in a duplex to find that
You're living on a landmine
Vacation hotspots is a cemetery drive

Last chance to piss it all away
Nothing but hell to pay
When the lights are going down

Deadbeat Holiday - celebrate your own decay
There's a vacant sign that's hanging high
On a noose over your home

Deadbeat Holiday - get on your knees and pray
There's a vacant sign that's hanging high
But at least you're not alone

Last chance to piss it all away
Nothing but hell to pay when all you
Want to do is...not to....give up......
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(no subject) [Jan. 31st, 2006|11:29 pm]
matt
OMFGWTFBBQLMAO!!! ive completly redone my myspace and it will make all of your wildest dreams come true... all of the old pics are gone tho...































just kidding, the girl pants are still in full effect
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(no subject) [Jan. 15th, 2006|05:35 pm]
matt
http://www.bigroadblues.com/features/racism.shtml

a pretty interesting article... a long read tho if you read the article that it was responding to( which you should)
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