||[Apr. 10th, 2006|01:20 am]
sooo... i havent updated and in a while... lots of stuff as of late... im trying i really am trying to make myself better, ive gone on cursing at myself for so long and hating myself for as long as i can remember and i dont know how to stop doing something that ive infused so deeply into my personallity for so long. but ive stoped attacking myself with every insult i can muster when i make mistakes of fall short, instead im trying to look at them and try and learn from them. i think im getting better about it but not hating myself isnt much closer to liking myself, but ill never get anywhere if i contiually despise what i see in the mirror to casual indifference as opposed to burning hate is a step. i am also trying to stop things from festering and rotting away inside of me which has been a pretty painful expericence... but im working at it. i dont feel any better now than i always have... its just different... instead of making me the source of all of my contention i have been taking the attitude of things happen and they are no ones fault, so i just deal and move on becuase there is nothing else i can do. this would be a very nice philosophy to go along with a belief in a higher power but i find that the thought of that only doubles the anger i put on myself and sends it to this god charecter ive built up in my head. i cant beilive in god because if i did i would never be able to muster the profanities to confront him/her with.. it also seems a bit futile to only ecknowledge a being for the sole purpose of hating them, its really doenst make sence.|
in some regards i think im starting to feel better but in many others me trying to look objectivly and rationalize things has made things hurt quite a bit more. to say the reason you feel that you are going to die alone is that you are hideous and a bad person and blah blah is easy... the imaturaty of it takes away any validity that it could have. but to sit down and realize that the bulk of my close friends are now in relationships and are about to leave town, and that im extremly expendable in the long run... im here and people have other outlets that make them much happier than me, people are moving on, going to school and slowly as the time passes the distence will grow and ill fade away to the status of that friend i had in highschool/ college... nothing more than a vauge memory, mabie a fond memory but a memory non the less. i dont blame anyone and i dont even think its something that can be controled, its just the natural truth and progression of things. and while im here ill have work or school but the prospect of finding a relationship of any kind, its just not meant to be. im not a particulary un attrachive guy, im not unitellegent and i can be funny when im in the mood. i am however harmless, i will forever be just a friend or like a brother to anyone that i get close to becuase thats what i am good for... i have no talent for relationships beyond that, people feel comfortable sharing things with me that they have never told anyone, and i sincerely try and be as nice to other people as i can. im a safe person, a nice person and while i may be good to have around as a friend, i am and never will be nothing more... people need only give their emotions to me, as far as a reciprical trade that is not in the cards. ive made the mistake of ignoring all of these things that i knew to be true and it has cause me a great deal of pain, but as with the people leaving, in the end what i feel makes no difference becuase no matter what i feel doesnt change what happens. the only thing im left with is how i deal with it, and i am dealing with it, becuase there is nothing else i can do. my father may not make it through the end of the year, i will be alone, and there is nothing i can do so im trying to look forward and realize that i have no control of the events that happen around me, only control of how i deal with them... and thats where im starting...
i just hurt... im tired of hurting but theres nothing i can do because trying to handle things in a more healthy way doesnt make things less painful, but it does make them managable to deal with without stuffing them inside.